I cannot tell you with any certainty when I suspected that my wife of 33 years, Shelley Lynne as she likes to be called, had developed Early Onset Dementia of the Alzheimer’s type. We received the life changing diagnosis in April, 2009, that my precious wife was on a one-stop train and that medical science could only attempt to slow the train down; it was unstoppable. Our daughters were to tell us later that they thought their mom had begun early onset about five years prior to the first medical assessment given. It was a hard pill to swallow.

We left the doctor’s office that day with dismay. How did we get to this point? It turns out I had been enabling Lynne for years as her illness progressed. We had overlooked the glaring indicators like her frequently getting lost and disoriented in the multi-story building where she worked when I was temporarily out of work the summer of 2006. We later moved to Colorado for a new job, not knowing that we were facing an overwhelming challenge—and it wasn’t what we’d do when I quit working one day. I was blessed there with an extremely supportive boss and a company that stood by me until my scheduled, pre-planned retirement.

Together we would spend weeks, then months consoling each other, moving from dismay to anger all the while frequently becoming dazed with helplessness. Having to look into the tear filled eyes of the love of my life as she asked me why God had given her Alzheimer’s was devastating to say the least. I had no answers, only questions.

The turning point in Lynne’s care came in November of 2010. While I was working in New Orleans, I received a call at 10:30 PM from the Littleton, Colorado, police that Lynne was in their custody. Littleton was an hour away from our home; apparently she had gotten lost and followed a couple to their home thinking that she recognized them. After identifying herself as having Alzheimer’s, the new-found strangers were kind enough to call the police in her stead. She was then taken to a hospital emergency room for evaluation. Fortunately, I was able to arrange for her to be released and picked up by a Good Samaritan neighbor. My boss was to tell me, “…if it were me, I would get home as soon as I could…,” so I did.

Once our neurologist learned that this was the third occurrence, he told Lynne she could no longer drive under any circumstance. He gave us five alternatives for the future:

1. Have a friend move in with us.
2. Have a family member move in with us.
3. Hire a lirofessional caregiver to move in with us.
4. Move into an assisted living facility.
5. Move to be closer to family members.

Our finances had been set up to retire in Colorado when I turned 67 in February of 2012. We had relied on friends and professionals from our church to socialize with her while I was out of town. This was only partially successful, so we elected to move close to family in North Texas in the summer of 2011 at a significant financial loss. You do what you have to do.

Lynne continues to deteriorate to this day. As each of her skills diminishes, the Lord gives me the grace required for the next area of responsibility. Those abilities in the order they vanished are: paying bills, setting the social calendar, answering questions that are asked of her, filling out forms, ordering her meals at restaurants, ironing clothes, caring for her dog, mopping the floors, driving her wherever she needs, cleaning the bathrooms, buying her clothes, signing her name as her legal and medical representative, preparing meals, managing contact lenses, styling her hair, putting clothes away, laundering clothes, making ice tea, selecting clothes, vacuuming, applying makeup, manicuring and putting polish on her fingernails, managing her diet, selecting jewelry, decorating the house, maintaining personal hygiene, clipping and polishing her toenails, shampooing her hair, monitoring her workouts on the treadmill.

Nothing realistically prepares you for the role of caregiver for an Alzheimer’s patient, especially that of a husband caring for a spouse. In my case, I grew up in a home where my mother was bi-polar and schizophrenic, or schizoid. My brother Billy, my sister Donna Beth and I developed few childhood friendships; we were afraid of what they would discover at home. I lived with the fear that we would someday turn out just like our Mom. In the maize of Alzheimer’s the father who runs interference for me now is my heavenly Father.

As a much traveled sales and marketing manager, I was not in the least bit primed for my new role. My beloved wife Lynne nurtured the children and managed the home for 29 years, making it possible for me to support us all. She even fired me from the only domestic activity I engaged in after repeatedly under cooking or overcooking on the outdoor grill.

The hallmark of this period has been the ability to take on and master new tasks. My mother-in-law, my daughters, and friends bridged the gap for me until I retired. I knew how to open a can; I just didn’t know what to do with the contents once I got it open. I had to focus on researching each new area until I was ready for the first step to be taken. After that, the Lord carried me on His back as I struggled through defeat and disappointment.

In time I began to reap the benefit of seeing Him at work in my life in unexpected ways. All past pretenses of spirituality have been stripped away. I have grown to depend on His guidance moment by moment. When he was most successful, King David sought out the lord before going into battle, “…so David inquired of the Lord …The Lord answered him …”.² I don’t move until He says move.

I am no longer a respected Bible teacher and lay minister, but I do have a congregation of one. We cannot attend worship services, small group meetings, or especially, large group functions. So we have to be creative. Every month we receive a set of four CDs and DVDs of our church services. Some time Sunday evening we listen to the opening song service on the CD and the preaching on the DVD. Of course I miss the majesty of our services, but I am privileged to see my dear sweet wife sing along with songs she remembers. As the ad for a credit card so aptly declares, the experience is truly “priceless.”

Every Alzheimer’s patient has a unique response to the illness in many ways in spite of sharing a whole litany of characteristics exhibited at outlined stages of progression. In the same way the primary caregiver’s experience becomes singular to his/her persona. Here is what I have gleaned to date:

Depend on the Lord

I sincerely don’t know how a full time, 24/7 caregiver can make it without the Lord. To begin with, the statistics on survival are not encouraging. I once took another job I was unprepared for but knew it was meant for me, and I had to pray every day for the Lord to give me the abilities for that day. Throughout history, the Lord has endowed individuals with specific capabilities for the tasks at hand which were beyond their human capacity. Few circumstances compare to a man taking care of a woman, albeit a woman with flair. In conversations among men about the fairer sex, you will typically hear the word “women” followed by a pronounced “humph.” My favorite is a line from a recent Peanuts cartoon where Linus states at the end of a female to male confrontation, “I look forward to the day when I’ll understand girls.” The challenge is to retain your manhood while being immersed in a female world. It isn’t easy.

Come to Peace within Yourself

This is a tough one. I see despair more frequently than peace for this monumental role, but nothing contributes more to endurance than coming to grips with your emotions on being handed a role you did not plan for nor desire. For me the realization came one day that Lynne had taken care of all the things I had acquired for more than 30 years; now it was my turn. It made everything easier and more adventuresome. I come back to that reminder often when I’m in a valley trying to claw my way out. There are few rose gardens here, but it pays to look for them.

Seek Out Retail Professionals

Don’t be ashamed to ask for help from those who know what they are doing. I go up to female sales associates as well as managers and ask for help, explaining my predicament. More often than not they go out of their way to give special treatment. I started to frequent those stores where the personnel are the most helpful and provide the best guidance. Whether it’s the stylist who does my wife’s hair, the counter manager who makes sure that I have the right makeup as well as techniques, the sales clerk who goes out of her way to give us individual attention, or the sales specialist who fits my wife properly for a bra—they all take pride in being a part of the caregiving process.

Keep Things Positive

There is no way, try as I might, that I am ever going to do everything correctly. It is literally impossible. The fact is that in this role particularly, you “…see but a poor reflection as in a mirror…”³ A whole plethora of advice, opinions, and directives come your way—well-meaning but frequently inappropriate, given the circumstances. Pursue those individuals who can make a positive impact on the situation with a meaningful contribution; it is well worth the effort and patience in the search.

Take Care of Yourself

Time has become a truly precious commodity, but the rare moments of personal time are golden. My greatest enhancement has been the nuggets discovered along the way. I found that I had to set the agenda, and not have the agenda set for me. There is a literal mountain of stress in the endeavor of caregiving, and what you want to do is minimize it whenever or wherever possible. For me the solution has been to allow myself to take brief glimpses into the future, but much more importantly, slow down in the present to “smell the roses” at all costs. I have found that whenever I get in a hurry I run into myself. It’s like taking one step forward and two steps back. Accepting that the backward steps were inevitable helped me to lower the stress levels and enjoy the ride.

My wife and I are having the best time of our married life and are more in love today than we have ever been. “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”⁴ For over 30 years Lynne managed our home and our personal lives; now I have that privilege.

As a Vietnam war vet, Bobby attended Moody Bible Institute and studied in the Billy Graham Graduate School of Communications at Wheaton College. His professional career later involved working in sales and serving a stint on faculty of two Christian colleges. Today he is a full-time caregiver for Shelley Lynne, his wife of thirty-three years.