The popular phrase, “Revenge is a dish best served cold,” implies that when we are hurt, offended or taken advantage of, in order to get back at the offending person, a calculated, emotionless and cold-blooded plan works best. Most of us have been guilty of plotting, planning, and executing revenge on some other person at some point in our lives. We’ve all wanted to“settle the score” or get “an eye for an eye” or “give them a taste of their own medicine.”

But this is not the way of Christ. The Bible says, “Do not take revenge… but leave room for God’s wrath…” (Romans 12:19, NIV). For many years of my life, this verse made no sense to me. If somebody wronged me, I wanted God’s wrath and I wanted it on that person now! I wanted to see that person struck down by lightning. I wanted immediate knowledge that the books were balanced and the score was even. I wanted satisfaction that I was right and they were wrong!

To be sure, of course, I never saw that happen. I never saw God’s wrath in action. But that verse gnawed away at me at times when I was wronged. And I wondered how it could really work. Then I had kids, who grew into toddlers—and it all became crystal clear to me.

Most parents are all too familiar with “Hey I wanted to sit there!” or “I was here first!” or “Don’t push!”—which is usually followed by the offended child repeating the same crime in return a short time later. In extreme cases, even physical lashing out occurs when frustration is so great and there are no words to express the anger. It is obvious to me as a parent that by taking revenge into his/her own hands, a child achieves nothing constructive. The child’s only goal in the moment of anger is to inflict pain, to settle the score. In the end, the result is two hurting children.

My goal as parent is to bring about constructive change—a change of heart, which is never a dish served cold. This typically involves removing the offending child from the situation, allowing tempers to cool, and then addressing the heart—the true root issue. I give the child every opportunity to own up to his/her own actions, to acknowledge wrong, to repent, and then to reconcile and apologize to the sibling that was wronged. This restores the bond of love—the bond of peace—and allows for the opportunity that the next time a similar situation arises, the child will remember the heart lesson.

In some cases, the child will need extensive cool-down time, and in other cases, the child will need some stiff and stern consequence to achieve the change of heart. But most often, kindness, gentleness, and compassion are the most effective ways to a child’s heart.

However, this way of dealing with a situation is often not satisfactory to the child who was hurt, and sometimes can be downright confusing. He may question why Mom and Dad would be kind rather than dishing out punishment to the offending child. What children don’t understand is that punishment without addressing a child’s heart will only result in bitterness and resentment without true repentance, reconciliation, and change.

Now it is clear to me why I haven’t seen God’s wrath or a lightning bolt strike down someone who offended or wronged me. Our Heavenly Father knows that would only leave Him with two hurting children. God isn’t primarily interested in balancing the books and making things perfectly right this very moment. There will be a day for that. When He returns again, He will make sure the wrongs are all made right and each will receive what they deserve. God is a just, righteous, and fair King. But until then, He sees us like I see my children: He is interested in a change in the heart, in repentance, in our acknowledging and owning up to our actions, in reconciliation, and in restoration of love and peace. And further, we learn from these mistakes so that we make every effort to react correctly and have heart changes the next time we encounter the same situation.

If God administered punishment and wrath without giving us an opportunity to repent and examine our hearts, it would only lead us to feel bitterness and resentment, without a true change in our hearts. The Holy Spirit convicts us of the guilt of our actions through compassion, kindness, and revelation in our heart. Many times in my life, I have been the offender and I knew it. When I was home in the quiet times, I have been deeply convicted and pierced by the Spirit for what I had done to someone else. I’m so glad God didn’t strike me down with wrath, but had compassion and gave me an opportunity to have self-examination.

While kindness and compassion are hardly ever the words that come to our minds when someone hurts us, God is interested in something higher, something bigger than how we perceive revenge to be. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9, NIV).

We can trust that God’s ways are higher and so much better than anything we can conceive. Revenge is a dish best served with compassion, kindness, gentleness, and selfcontrol. Let’s leave room for God to work.

(Diamond Tam is an eye physician and surgeon in the Toronto, Ontario area and lives with his wife and four children, all under the age of 7. )