An Orphan in My Big Family

Throughout my childhood my deepest yearning was to be loved—to be valued. But it never happened for me. I was alone and helpless.

During the turbulent years of regime change in China, my parents smuggled themselves into Hong Kong from the mainland. They settled down in Hong Kong, and then one child came after another. I have six older brothers and six older sisters. Being the 13th child and the youngest of the family, I should have been the spoiled one. But I never once felt like that.

My parents worked tirelessly day and night to make a living, to support all their children. My father started a rattan factory in the suburbs in Hong Kong and was always busy, so I almost never got the chance to talk to him, let alone to be held or kissed. Aside from worrying about my father’s business, my mother also had to tackle the daily chore of feeding everyone. For relaxation, she would play mahjong. My brothers and sisters, too, were busy with studying and making friends and had no time to care for me. I grew into a timid and fearful child that didn’t get along with people. When I was old enough to go to school, I went with my niece, my eldest sister’s daughter, who did very well in school and was praised by everyone in our family—but I wasn’t. I increasingly felt like I was the most useless one in our family.

When I was 14 years old, my parents, along with eight of us siblings, moved to New York. Surrounded by strangers who spoke only English, I thought this would be a great chance for me to become closer with my parents. But they soon returned to Hong Kong where my father had a stroke. Unable to find suitable treatment in Hong Kong, and counting on the medical technologies of the States, he returned to the U.S. But he was disappointed and later returned to Hong Kong. I never saw my father again, closing the door to ever experiencing the love I imagined.

Feeling neglected by my family since young, I got used to acting independently. When I was in the second year of high school, I decided on my own that I would support myself by working part-time at a dim sum restaurant in Chinatown in New York. I didn’t take studying or going to school to heart, just lived one day at a time. Youthful dreaming and passion had nothing to do with me. I had no clue what my future would hold.

One day I left New York on an impulse and went to work for my third brother, who ran an on-campus Chinese restaurant at the University of Illinois. I worked there for some time and got paid nothing, besides free accommodation and food. The youngest four of us who worked for him protested, yet our communication was futile. So, we left his employment.

Time and again, I had hope but was always disappointed. My life felt meaningless.

I entered the University of Illinois to study finance and insurance, but that did not bring me happiness. I wallowed in a deep sadness, pushing people away, and surrounding myself with loneliness. Once when I got sick and was hospitalized, I felt so depressed that I wanted to end my life.

Beloved in This Big Family

One day, a university student who used to work at my third brother’s restaurant invited me to a church Bible study class. Having gone to Catholic primary and secondary schools back in Hong Kong, I was no stranger to religion. I had some biblical knowledge, but I had zero interest in Catholicism. Perhaps because I wanted to make friends or to have a social life, I gladly accepted the invitation. I didn’t get my hopes up, however, because I had been disappointed so many times before. The Christians at this university fellowship were older than I, but they fully accepted me. The way they looked at me with warmth and love chased away my long-time gloominess and replaced it with relief and joy. They cared for me and prayed for me. When they learned that I needed help with my assignments, they helped me without hesitating. To them, I was a very important person, a well-loved favorite. Their acceptance hugely affected me. I felt a joy that I had never felt in my parents’ home.

The church gatherings were like seeing another reality in this world. In this reality, strangers were being cared for, and everyone was accepted unconditionally. Unlike secular relationships that involved profits and exchange, people would spend their time and effort to help others without asking for anything in return. What exactly drove this group of people to give so unconditionally, so that I—a stranger—could experience this warmth of being family? I learned from the Bible that this love is from Heaven. We are all sinners before God. Yet, to save us, God sent His Son, born as a human, to die for us on the cross. Where could we find such a great love among people?

“Greater love has no one than this…” (John 15:13).

“... because God is love” (1 John 4:8).

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34–35).

I began to understand that it was the amazing, life-changing love of God that made people willing to spend time reading the Bible with others and caring for them. I realized that I had never received love from others. I was selfish, self-centered, and always nitpicking faults of others. But these brothers and sisters in Christ, brimming with love, were like a mirror, showing me my true self: an unbecoming, ungrateful person. I admitted I was a sinner before God.

At last, I repented and started believing in God. I read the Bible voraciously, attended church services, and worshipped God. Bit by bit, and without realizing it, God changed me. I became more lively and cheerful. I didn’t get mad or upset because of trivial matters. I stopped dwelling on the past, because I was now a child loved by God. “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” (Isaiah 49:15).

It was in this church that I met, got to know, and fell in love with my husband. He is a manly person of principle, who always cares about my needs, allowing me a great sense of security and trust. In 1981, seven years after I first came to the States, we formed our own little family in Christ. In 1982 and 1989, God gave us our adorable son and daughter.

Love and Passion for the Big Family of Our Heavenly Father

After we got married and had children, I started running a business at home to better support our family. Surprisingly, after a few years and some minor setbacks, the business grew, and we became one of the most successful Chinese businesses in Southern California. Although we became wealthy, whenever we returned from church services, we would always ask ourselves: “Is this business all there is to our lives?” Time and again, we prayed to God, to seek His will, to search for His guidance for us in this life. Finally, in God’s timing, we gave up our profit-making business to serve God with all we had. Although we were no longer young, together we went to equip ourselves at seminary.

After graduating, we joined Chinese Christian Herald Crusades to serve full-time. For 10 consecutive years, we served the Chinese elderly living in several senior apartments in Southern California. As we introduced the residents to Christ, many of them found faith and no longer lived without hope. Instead, they were full of peace and joy. Even in the face of death, they no longer were afraid. Every time we visited the apartments, the elderly there would welcome us with warm embraces and smiling faces. It may seem as if we were the ones helping these elderly people, but often God gave us even more through them. These grandpas and grannies loved us and spoiled us like their own. I gained a deep understanding of the value of living in love. “So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three: but the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:13, ESV).

God continues to lay the path for our ministry, allowing us to serve in many places in China, even in poor areas in the mountains. As God overcomes all difficulties, our desire and calling is to bring God’s love to even more people.

“All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies” (Psalm 25:10, ESV).

*This story was first published in Chinese Today, Issue No. 750 (October 2024) and was translated into English by Kiara Ngai.