I’ve waited for many things in my life.

I’ve waited for my sister to be born, I’ve waited to get my first laptop, I’ve waited for my church’s youth retreat to roll around every year. I’ve waited for college application results, for my scholarship application results, and to finally finish nursing school.

All these things eventually came to fruition, sometimes with a happy result and other times with disappointing results.

But the longest thing I have ever waited for was to go to Japan.

Taking After My Parents

I’ve always known that I am a product of my parents. They immigrated from rural China in their 20s in hopes of creating a better future for themselves by chasing the “American Dream.” Due to their persistence and endurance, my brother and I were given lives of plenty and blessing. We were never hungry, we were never cold, and we were able to receive an education. We lived out the American Dream that our parents had dreamed of.

Part of this American Dream was going to church. My parents knew this was a part of American culture, so they joined a Chinese church; and I have had the blessing of growing up in a Christian home, with a loving church family, and with the opportunity to learn about God. With a complete family, a church community, and an excellent education, I should have had everything I needed to be happy.

Questioning My Parents’ Love

By middle school, however, it was clear that this life of plenty and blessing wasn’t enough for me. I felt pressure from my parents to succeed academically, and when I wasn’t good enough, I questioned if I would ever be good enough for them. Get A’s in middle school, get A’s in high school, get into a good college, become a doctor. I would argue frequently with my parents about my academic performance. Was my existence simply to make my parents’ sacrifices worth it? I wanted my parents to be proud of me, and I wanted my classmates to be impressed by me, but when I couldn’t meet their expectations, I felt hopeless.

In middle school, I really wanted a MacBook Air laptop, and thought that if my parents really loved me, they would buy me what I wanted. This was how I defined love—giving another person whatever they wanted. Though I wanted money, possessions, and good grades, what I wanted most was to be loved by my parents.

In the 7th grade, I went to my first youth retreat, and I was so excited to spend a weekend away from my parents and with my friends. I was happy with my church friends, worshiping, praying, and studying the Bible together. But on the third day, my parents showed up to visit. I was so upset and embarrassed that they came. “Go home!” I told them. I didn’t want my parents at the retreat! Later that night, during the prayer portion of the service, I was sitting by myself, longing to encounter God in my life, when I felt two hands on my shoulders—and heard Chinese. I looked up and saw my parents there, praying for me. Before I knew it, tears started falling uncontrollably down my face. In that moment, God revealed to me that I was a sinner. I had grown so much bitterness and hate in my heart towards my parents and said so many horrible things to them, yet here they were visiting me, forgiving me, and praying for me. I had sinned against my parents, and I had sinned against God. A verse I had memorized as a child came alive for me: “But God shows his love for us in this, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). What I truly needed was God’s perfect love. He paid the ultimate price so that I could be reunited with Him. This was the most important purpose for my life—to know God, and to love Him.

New International Friends

From that youth retreat, God lit a fire in my heart, and I spent my high school years learning more about Him and acting in faith to share His love with others. When it was time for college, I wanted to do the same—somehow succeed in my career and also be able to give the glory to God. I was the product of my parents, so since my mom is a nurse and my dad is a businessman, I pursued a dual degree in nursing and business at the University of Pennsylvania. Surely this was God’s plan for me, to one day become a hospital CEO and impact many lives that way. The plan definitely was one my parents would choose for me.

In college, I saw that a life of plenty and blessing wasn’t enough for me or the people around me. I encountered more wealth, greater idols, and fewer people who were happy. During a particularly difficult semester, my nursing and business classes began to lose their meaning. I had gotten into my top program. I was creating a future for myself. But why did this future feel so empty? Why was I not happy?

But then, during the difficult semester of my sophomore year, the Lord brought me the greatest blessing. I began learning Japanese as a passion project and met my three language partners—Ami, Momo, and Erika. I spent every day hanging out with them, learning about their country, language, and traditions. I would bring them to church with me and to fellowship events and translate the Bible studies for them. Through this friendship, I experienced so much joy and love and delight! God was telling me, “Lilian, the world is so much bigger than Philadelphia, than California, than America. Dream bigger!”

Right before my friends had to return to Japan, one of them shared with me, “I want to believe in Jesus and become a Christian.” I was shocked! I had not had a direct gospel conversation with any of them; I simply shared my life, and in the process, God touched her heart and touched my heart as well. I began to see the brokenness in Japan and how it was similar to my own story—Japan is a country of plenty and blessing, with a sound economy, kind culture, and safe environment, yet it has the highest rates of suicide and depression. Once again, I could see that plenty and blessing are not enough.

Making a Firm Decision

The next two years were not easy. They were filled with disappointments and frustrations, such as receiving an internship offer in Japan but COVID happening, or trying to chase the path of healthcare consulting but God slamming the door shut with rejection after rejection. During my senior year, though, time was up, and I had to decide. What did I want to do with my life?

I weighed the four options in front of me: nursing, business, Japan, and ministry. I had come to college for nursing and business, but now I felt cynical towards nursing and business. I realized that physical healing does not lead to eternal salvation, and that the quest for wealth in business will never end. I was, however, spending 15 hours each week learning Japanese for fun, and I spent another 20 hours on college ministry because these two things mattered so much to me. I wanted a career where I could loudly share the gospel and praise Jesus Christ to the people around me. I wanted to use all my efforts and talents for what truly mattered and what would last forever. One day in October 2021, I humbled my heart and prayed, “God, I don’t know if you want me to do missions or be a nurse, or what, but whatever you want me to do, I will do it. I surrender my life to you.”

After that prayer, I gave up the expectations of the world to seek material blessings and the path that my parents wanted me to follow. I chose the path that brought me the most joy and happiness—Japan and ministry. I would meet Japanese students in my college fellowship and share the gospel with them. I had the strong conviction that, if there was anything I was meant to do, it was this. The following few months were not easy. I feared that I would disappoint my parents and the people around me with my decision. The first time I told my mom the news that I wanted to go to Japan as a missionary, she hung up on me, and I burst into tears. But I continued to pray, and when I came home for winter break, the Lord had transformed my mom’s heart. We were at a dinner party, and mom introduced me, “This is Lilian, and she wants to be a missionary in Japan.” I had not convinced her; I had not reasoned with her; I had not presented to her a business plan—but the Lord had transformed her heart!

Once, at a retreat for missionary candidates, I scanned the room and saw that I was a minority—the only Asian American candidate, and thus no one would understand my parental struggles. In my 10-minute testimony, I focused on the relationship I had with my parents and how that has been a struggle in my decision to volunteer for missions. I was not prepared for how many people directly related to my testimony, even if they were not of Asian descent. I learned that most parents don’t want their children to go to foreign countries for four years at a time—or even longer. Later in the week, I met a staff member who was also a second-generation Chinese American and had been a medical doctor before going into missions. He said that his parents were still not supportive. Hearing his testimony affirmed in my mind that I could not live for my parents’ approval. But I did want to honor and respect them.

My next step of action was to pursue my seminary education. I planned to enroll in Westminster Theological Seminary’s Master of Arts in Theological Studies program, but I didn’t have any money. My home church suddenly said that they were encouraged that I wanted to go to the mission field, and they paid for my entire tuition! While I had worried about money and income if I chose this path, God showed me that He would provide and make a way.

The relationship with my parents is still rocky, and I must be constantly in prayer about it. Even though my decision to go as a missionary has disappointed them, my story of leaving the path the world set out for me and instead trusting in God’s plan for me has been an encouragement to my friends and other parents in the Asian American community. One parent asked me, “How did you grow to have such a strong conviction in the Lord?” I answered, “I saw my parents love God as I grew up, so I did the same. Through God’s grace and love I am here today, full of joy and wanting to share the grace of God, the source of true joy, with everyone in the world.”

October 2024 Update

I am now officially in Japan, serving with Mustard Seed Network, part of a church-planting team for the 1-million non-Christians in the city of Sendai. It’s amazing to see lives changed by the gospel, but it is also overwhelming to stand on a packed subway and realize that I am probably the only Christian on the train. But God is a good Father, and I am grateful to be in Japan. There is nothing more beautiful than seeing the glory of God reach the darkest, most hopeless corners of this world.

“Jesus said, ‘Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life’” (Mark 10:29–30, ESV).

Lilian Chen is from San Jose, California. Since 2024, she has been serving as a missionary in Sendai, Japan, with Mustard Seed Network.