Before You Say “I Do”, Do You?
It is easy to say “I do” before a minister, but it is not so easy to live up to it.
I have met and talked to enough couples to know that many of them say “I do” without really asking themselves “Do I?”
“Do I really want to be married to this person for life?”
“Do I really want to be married to this person for better or for worse?
“Do I really want to be married to this person in sickness and in health?”
This article is written to help those:
- Who are looking for prospects to say “I do”.
- Who are preparing to say “I do” soon;
- Who have already said “I do” and are wondering “Do I?”
FOUR BASIC QUESTIONS TO PONDER:
Among the one thousand and one questions you have to ask yourself before you get married, there are four basic ones you cannot afford to neglect. They are:
- Do I understand the essence of Christian marriage?
- Do I understand the will of God for me?
- Do I know my mate? and
- Do I know myself?
DO I UNDERSTAND THE ESSENCE OF CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE?
There are a few verses in the Bible that every Christian who is planning to get married must know, understand and follow.
The first one is: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Gen. 2:24) Here “leaving” is often taken for granted by most people to mean physical or geographical separation. But to me, psychological separation is infinitely more important. The apron string may be intact with thousands of miles of separation between a son and his parents or it may be already served with no distance between them. “Leaving father and mother” speaks of the priority of the wife over parents. “One flesh” and “cleaving” imply intimacy, openness and closeness. Life is basically made of relationships, and there is no relationship closer than that of husband and wife. A proper understanding of the priority of husband-wife relationship would eliminate a whole bunch of other problems: in laws, career-centered husband, children-centered wife etc.
The second verse is: “The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.” (I Cor. 7:39) This verse teaches two things: 1. Marriage is for life; and 2. Christians should be married to Christians only. These two things seem to be confining and restricting, but they are not. They are meant to provide freedom within limits, like trains running on rails, or satellites in fixed orbits.
If you go into marriage with the thoughts of “if it works, fine; if not, I can always change”, then you will probably end up changing. On the other hand, if you go into marriage with total commitment for life, you will most likely make it last for life.
The third verse so important in understanding Christian marriage is Gen. 2:18, “And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.”
This verse tells a number of important truths. First, it says that God is the originator of marriage. More, he is the matchmaker.
Second, Gen. 2:18 speaks of the insufficiency of man. He is not complete, not whole in himself. Man cannot stand alone. He needs someone to help him.
Third, this verse spells out the primary function and responsibility of a woman: to help a man. A woman is to help make a man whole. In assuming the role of a helper, there is absolutely no implication of superiority or inferiority. It is only a difference in role and function. The Bible consistently teaches on equality of man and woman; but the Bible also consistently teaches that man and woman have different roles to play both at home and in church.
The world confuses equality with sameness. The world insists that if man and woman are equal, then they are the same. But the Bible teaches equality expressed in diversity (Eph. 4, I Cor. 12, Rom 12 etc.) Yes, they are equal. No, they are not the same.
DO I UNDERSTAND THE WILL OF GOD FOR ME?
Before you say “I do”, do you have the assurance that the one you are going to be married to is the one God has in mind for you? Bluntly, how do you know that you are acting in God’s will in this union.
Admittedly, it is easier to know that a union is not the will of God than to positively say that it is the will of God. Nonetheless, each person must answer to his own satisfaction. Here are a few questions that might help you to decide if you are acting in God's will:
- Are both of you Christians?
- Are you compatible to each other? (A gut-level, subjective and mutual compatibility is what I mean.)
- Can you conceive of any situation (like unfaithfulness, unemployment, chronic sickness etc.) in the future which might change your love for her?
Nothing less than a resounding “no” would qualify you to walk down the aisles.
DO I KNOW MY MATE?
This question “Do I know my mate?” and the question we are going to deal with in the following section “Do I know myself?” are interrelated. We know ourselves by knowing others, and we know others by knowing ourselves. By observing the sameness and difference in ourselves and in others, we slowly become aware of who we are and how we differ from others. Since knowledge is imperfect at any stage, I do not expect anyone to know his mate to the extent where there is no more to be known. But there must nevertheless be some blueprint, some skeleton, and some steel frame of knowing the other before a person can be committed to him or her for life.
How much knowledge is enough is of course an unanswerable question, but the fact that some knowledge is necessary seems to be obvious.
In preparing couples for marriage, I always like to give them ample time to tell what they like and what they do not like about each other (the latter part is always done one person at a time to avoid unnecessary embarrassment and potential difficulty later on).
The more specific and detailed a person is able to describe his prospective spouse, the better he knows her. A vague and general description betrays shallow knowledge.
More specifically, do you know her life goals? Her interest? Her values? Her family? Her temperament? Her political and religious conviction? Her good friends? And her strength?
Another test of knowing your loved one is the ability to pinpoint his weakness and areas that are a constant source of irritation to you. If you were to look at me with dreamy eyes and say, “No, I can’t think of any weakness that John has,” then, you could expect my answer to be, “In that case, there is some more knowing for you to do.”
Knowing your mate involves both his good and bad points. Whether an apple is juicy or dried-up cannot always be differentiated from the outside. No amount of touching and examine on the outside is going to determine the condition on the inside. Even the color or texture of the apple do not always tell you the inside story. So it is with a person. You have to look deeper than the skin.
After you have a pretty good idea of both of the strength and weakness of your mate, then you are ready to be confronted with the next question, which is “what are you going to do with his weakness?” Are you able and willing to accept it? Can you see his weakness as strength untapped? Do you realize a person’s strength may also be his weakness, and different situations will reveal different degrees of both?
DO I KNOW MYSELF?
Here I am basically concerned about people who are unrealistic about themselves and their expectation of the spouse. I see a red light flashing when people rush into marriage like soldiers jumping into a fox hole. My heart sink all the way to my sole when I see a girl rush down the aisles shortly after being driven out of her own home. I have been too sad to smile when I see couples, who hardly know each other except in the biblical sense of the word, getting married.
Marriage is somewhat like a bank account. You can get only what you invested. If you contribute nothing, you receive nothing. You cannot open a bank account with a minimum deposit and expect to draw unlimited amount out of it. The amount does not grow simply because time passes. In fact, the amount devaluates as time passes. So is marriage.
A no-input marriage dictates a no-output relationship because it is in giving that you receive, in loving that you are loved, in accepting that you are accepted.
When you say “I do”, do you know that you are not running away from something, someone, some situation? Do you have the confidence that you are not looking for a bargain? That you are not coerced in any way into marriage. That it is not just a “have-to” case? Do you have the assurance that you are only pursuing the “price” which is “far above rubies”? That you are getting married only because you love the girl and for no other reason? Be sure you can answer “yes” with confidence and pride before you say “I do”.
If you go into marriage for the wrong reasons, you might end up in divorce for the right ones. If you talk yourself into it, you might find yourself talking your way out of it. The only way to enter into marriage right is to be convinced that the one you are marrying to is God’s choice for you, that you are entering into it for the sole reason of loving the girl and that you are willing to accept her no matter what until death separates you both. Anything less than this kind of mental and spiritual outlook is not quite up to standard to exchange “I do”.
CONCLUSION
Marriage under the guidelines of the Bible is one of the most satisfactory experiences any person could find anywhere. Nothing can be compared to the experiences of sitting down to a meal prepared with love and care, looking at an innocent and adoring 3-year-old who says, “I miss you infinity, infinity, million, million, million, thousand, thousand, thousand,” having a sense of eagerness and expectation to come home when you are thousands of miles away, an understanding touch from your wife when you have failed, been misunderstood and betrayed.
On the other hand, nothing is more hellish than a home on the verge of collapse. Tension mounts, fear waits, suspicion grows, mistrust builds, hatred deepens, peace disappears, and hell hides behind every gesture, ever word, just ready to break loose.
Either extreme could be your experience. The step toward the right extreme begins before you say “I do”. It begins with asking these four every basic questions.
Ask and answer them NOW.