Parenting is somewhat like manicuring your front lawn. There are some things you can do and there are some things you cannot do.

You can fertilize, water, weed, trim, prune, edge and dig, but you cannot tell the tree exactly where to grow another branch. Even though you have to know what you are doing before the lawn will turn out all right, the lawn will never be quite the way you want it to be no matter how much you sweat, cry and pray over it.

There are two sure ways to ruin a lawn: leave it alone and do nothing or over-fertilize it. Most lawns look all right to me, but there are a few I really admire.

CONCEPT OF SUCCESSFUL PARENTING

Knowingly or unknowingly, many immigrant parents understand successful parenting as the ability to bring up children who are like them. They see themselves as successful if their children make life’s choices the way they do. When pressed, most immigrant parents would agree successful parenting means the ability to train their children so they make independent and mature decisions when they grow up and to assume the responsibilities of those decisions.

How can we as parents achieve our objectives of brining up children who will make mature decisions and bear the consequences of their decisions?

THREE FUNDAMENTAL ELEMENTS IN SUCCESSFUL PARENTING

The first fundamental element in successful parenting is for parents to set a good example for their children.

If our task is to help our children make their own decisions, it seems obvious we should not make decisions for them. Instead, we have to show them how to make decisions and one way to do that is by the way we make decisions ourselves.

In the process of making a decision, we have to involve our values, priorities, principles and philosophy of life. Our decisions and behavior are blue prints upon which our children will build their lives.

Deuteronomy 6:5-9 is probably the clearest passage in the Bible that admonishes parents to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength” before we teach our children to do likewise. Note the sequence in verses six and seven: before we can impress the commandments of God on our children (v.7), we must have them upon our own hearts first (v.6).

Quite honestly, I am less concerned over how my children behave than how I behave. It is wasting time to tell them what they should do if I do not back up what I say with my behavior. In fact, it is harmful to our children to hear us say one thing and see us do something else.

Even though I am not a physician, I know every child has problems hearing but no problem seeing. Tell them and they may not hear. Hide from them and they see it every time.

The second fundamental element in successful parenting is for parents to establish and maintain a good relationship with each other.

Traditional Chinese culture emphasizes the relationship between parent and child more than husband and wife. A man marries not because he loves a woman but because his parents want to have grandsons. Wives, like clothing, are disposable and replaceable. They, without intrinsic worth as companions and equals, are for utilitarian purposes.

A typical immigrant husband spends all his energy making a living and his wife uses hers raising their children, sometimes having to work as well. Their first priority is their children rather than each other.

On one hand, many husbands feel their wives love their children more than they love them. On the other hand, many wives feel their husbands do not support them enough emotionally. The tension and conflict that exist between a couple are translated as stress to their children who may react to it by either withdrawing or overreacting.

Many misbehaving children are products from tension-filled homes. The way to correct the children’s behavior often centers on bettering the relationship between their parents. This is not to say the children are not responsible for their own behavior, but that parents oftentimes have an important part to play in how their children behave.

Work on your relationship with your spouse and you may be surprised to see the changes in your children’s behavior.

The third fundamental element in successful parent is: parents must not engage in favoritism.

Most Chinese parents I know would do almost anything for their children. They sacrifice for them. They immigrate for them. They leave their money to them. If I had to find fault with Chinese parents, one of them would probably be favoritism.

The problem of favoritism is not only common among Chinese immigrant families; it runs through the patriarchal families from Abraham to Joseph. As a result of favoritism, there was tension, deceit, kidnapping and hatred between the siblings: Isaac and Ishmael, Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers.

If both parents favor one child over the other, the relationship between the siblings will not be good resulting in feelings of jealousy, bitterness, inferiority and anger. On the other hand, if each parent favors a different child, then not only the relationship between the siblings will be bad, but the relationship between husband and wife will be strained as well. When you notice your children do not get along with one another, the first question you should ask yourself is, “Is there favoritism involved?”

Parents prefer one child over another for various reasons: looks, ability, personality, temperament, birth order, sexuality, family circumstances at time of birth (health, wealth and relationship of parents, economical and political situation of society and country), opinions of others, etc.

For most parents, the knowledge of the adverse effect of favoritism upon themselves and/or their children is probably enough to put a stop to this practice. For some, they deny or justify favoritism.

If you know you are currently playing favoritism and are willing to change, may I suggest:

1. Acknowledge your mistake.
2. Confess your mistake to God.
3. Confess your mistake to your spouse. If your spouse is also guilty of favoritism, see if he is ready to admit his mistake and correct it.
4. Ask for forgiveness from your child whom you have wronged.
5. Admit to all your children what you have done in the past. Then explain to them you are going to treat them alike from now on.
6. Thank God when you succeed and confess your remission if it occurs.
7. Resist the accusation of Satan and swallow your feelings or embarrassment and move on.

PARENTAL STYLES

Most immigrant Chinese parents, especially fathers, are distant and strict from their children. While their children are young, say before six, the parents may be very intimate to them both physically and emotionally. But as the children get older, the parents become more strict and demanding, resulting in distant parent-child relationships.

Usually mothers are the bridges between fathers and children. Having spent more time with them, mothers tend to be more understanding and supportive of their children and are emotionally closer to them.

If we were to single out two important factors in parenting, love and discipline, we would derive four styles of parenting.

1. Negligent: there is little love and little discipline.

   In this style of parenting, parents usually leave their children to themselves. Both are working and there is little time for the children. In some cases, children are sent to be taken care of by relatives or friends, or hired-help.

   Children from these families are left to the mercy of their guardians, peers and the television.

2. Permissive: there is much love but little disciplines.

   In this case, parents let their children do what they want to do. Instead of their role models, leaders, protectors and teachers, they choose to follow the wishes and fancies of their children. Parents lead by following. Children may feel nurtured and loved, but they may not be challenged sufficiently and they are certainly spoiled. They may become self-centered and have a high self-esteem built on faulty foundation.

3. Autocratic: there is little love and much discipline.

   This kind of parental style is probably the most common among immigrant Chinese families. It doesn’t mean that parents do not care about their children. They do but they do not show their love toward their children in any physical way. Their care and love for the children are manifested in making demands of them: school work, clothing, music, friends, etc.

   Under this type of parental style, the creativity and initiative of children are hampered. They are forced to follow and tend to become passive. Children are seen but not heard. They may even speak their minds at times, but they are unheeded by their parents.

   When they reach the teenage years, children from such autocratic households tend to feel frustrated and may rebel.

4. 4. Authoritative: there is much love and much discipline.

   The main difference between autocratic and authoritative parents is that the latter try to involve the participation of the children. In this case, children are seen and heard. In fact, their opinions are solicited. They are encouraged to share in the decision-making process. Even though the parents have the final say, they allow their children maximum participation and autonomy as their maturity permits.

   Authoritative parents do not usually force their decisions on their children but reason out with them. They allow their children to develop according to their own pace and interests. They do not impose their unrealistic expectations on their children. They guide them in their thinking and decision-making process. Even when their children are wrong, they ask questions and lead their thought process toward the right direction. They keep the door of communication open by supporting their children emotionally.

   There is no question in mind that the authoritative style of parenting is the best. It provides structure and guidelines for the children and at the same time allows children maximum freedom to develop their own areas of strength.