I was a 17-year-old college freshman living in a dorm at UCLA. It was finals week, fall 1968, and I went without sleep several nights in order to study for tests. I thought I could catch up on my rest when I went home for the Christmas break. However, much to my surprise, I was unable to sleep at all! The insomnia lasted for days and made me feel like I was losing my mind or having a mental breakdown. In desperation, I went for a long run to wear myself out, and, thankfully, the ability to sleep returned. This was my first experience with insomnia and the beginning of a lifelong battle with a sleep disorder that would almost kill me.

THE END OF CAREFREE DAYS

During the next six years in college and throughout my twenties, I battled insomnia frequently. When I was thirty, I began working as a legal secretary in a busy law firm. The heavy work load caused additional stress so that I averaged only two or three hours of sleep every night.

One morning in June of 1982, I awoke with a dull pain at the base of my neck and shooting pains in my arms, hands, and fingers. My muscles felt tight and inflamed, and I was physically exhausted. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I consulted many doctors and specialists, and the final diagnosis was R. S. I. (repetitive stress injury caused from continuous typing) and fibrositis (now called fibromyalgia), a neuro-endocrine-immune disorder that affects the brain, muscles, and other systems of the body.

My speech became slurred, and I began experiencing muscle tremors. Doctors prescribed a variety of drugs, but nothing helped. I tried taking vitamins and exercising, but the debilitating pain, insomnia, and muscle stiffness persisted. Even mild stretching would cause pain that lasted for weeks. Playing the piano, my favorite activity, would cause days of misery because of the repetitive use of the muscles of my hands and fingers. I even had pain when my body was completely at rest. Sometimes it was a sharp, jabbing sensation, at other times a dull, miserable ache that wore me down.

ALL IN MY HEAD

My sleep disorder and the resulting body pain caused intense suffering. I walked around like a zombie most days, yet pushed myself very hard to take care of daily responsibilities. Because I looked healthy and kept up with my work, a lot of people didn't believe I was suffering. Some even insinuated that my symptoms were "all in my head." Many days I had to call in sick from lack of sleep, and I worried about losing my job.

Eventually my brain and hands began to feel disconnected. Two fingers on each hand curled over, as though tight rubber bands were pulling them down. One doctor called this condition "clawhand deformity." I had to quit my job since I could no longer write or type. Without my job and the identity it had created for me, I felt lost, unproductive, and depressed. I could barely keep up with everyday tasks.

Because of sleep deprivation, my immune system began to malfunction. I developed CFIDS (chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome). The fatigue became so severe that I could barely hold my head up. Even the process of eating—the effort of chewing, swallowing and digesting— was exhausting. My body was shutting down, and I felt like an old person near death. Yet people would say to me, “You look great!” No one understood the extent of my suffering.

Life for me had become an endurance contest. To survive, I had to reduce all forms of stress and curtail any unnecessary activities. I gave up all hope for a “cure” and tried to live with my misery. At my part-time job I would work myself into a state of nervous energy in order to seem bright and efficient, but even so, my boss once called me “lazy.” This really hurt because I have always been conscientious and hard-working.

NO MORE PAIN

The constant pain along with the drugs I was taking clouded my thinking and hindered me from praying. One day, however, I went to the altar at the close of a church service and cried out to God to help me with my health problems. In May, 1996, my physical situation began to change for the better. The Lord sent an elderly woman to me, very unexpectedly, who handed me a packet of information about nutritional help for fibromyalgia. This was the first pinhole of light that came my way. About the same time, I got a computer and began to research my condition on the internet. I found information that would help alleviate my suffering. My body began to respond to both nutritional supplements and prescription medications. And at night, I began to be able to sleep. The dreadful years of severe insomnia were over.

I know now that even when I was too weak to pray, God was looking out for me. A retired missionary friend gave me a copy of the book, Streams in the Desert, Vol. 1 by Mrs. Charles Cowman. This Christian devotional classic sustained my spirit, ministered to my hurts, and encouraged me through the darkest times of my life.

The book of Job in the Old Testament was also a great comfort to me because Job too had suffered seemingly without cause. Job did not understand why he was going through horrible fiery trials, and neither did his friends. In their ignorance they accused him of many things that weren’t true, which inflicted even more pain on him.

From the vantage point of my current age (55), I can see many blessings that resulted from having my earthly health and strength diminished at a young age. For one thing, I have become compassionate toward people with handicaps, limitations, depression, and chronic illness. I also understand the elderly and their problems; when you're 30 and feel like 90, you can actually relate to senior citizens!

In 1996, I began a website called FMS-HELP.com to share tips for coping with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. For a decade now, I have heard from despairing people all over the world who struggle with this debilitating illness. I hope to be an encouragement to them and also be a witness for Christ.

As we go through trials and tribulations, God develops spiritual power in our lives. Jesus Himself learned obedience through the things He suffered on earth, so He understands our hurts and is very sympathetic toward us. The disappointments and hardships in life are temporary. But our future is bright because Jesus has gone to prepare a permanent home for us where God will wipe away all tears from our eyes, and there will be no more death, sorrow, crying or pain. (cf. Revelation 21:4)

That sure sounds good to me!

Dominie Soo Bush is a piano and guitar teacher in Green Cove Springs, Florida. She and her husband, Donnie , are members of Lake Asbury Baptist Church, where Dominie serves as church pianist and also teaches in the School of Music. Since 1996 she has maintained t he website at FMS-HELP.com and writes a weekly news letter of encouragement for people with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome.