I was late for the practice—almost two hours. It was my first time to play the keyboard with the worship team at church. But when I arrived, I found out the team had not started because of technical difficulties. So I sat there, trying to gather my thoughts and slow down internally. But I could barely focus, even when I prayed to God. I just decided to start playing and allow the music to calm me down.

Right before the service, the worship team members had a time of prayer together with Pastor Dan. It had been almost two years since I sat in a small group and had people pray over me. I felt loved and needed at this church, even though I had only been there three weeks. God was speaking to me through these people. I realized that God was not as far away as I had thought He was; He was very close, waiting to embrace me.

During the group prayer time, several people prayed specifically for me even though I had not asked them to. I was very touched by what they prayed for me—that I would know the love of Jesus intimately and have time to spend with God studying His Word and fellowshipping with Him in prayer. Then I prayed aloud. Very simply, I said, “Jesus, I am sorry I haven’t been seeking You. I am sorry I haven’t set aside time to develop an intimate relationship with You. But thank You for reminding me, God, that You love me.” After the prayer time, I went up to Tim and thanked him for praying for me. He encouraged me to read the Bible more because in it, I would continue to find words of encouragement that I needed. Sweet words, tender words, he said.

I realized that I had not heard sweet and tender words in my life recently.

I had been experiencing mostly either criticism or silence from my dad. We had had many ups and downs, but in the last few months, Dad had stopped saying encouraging things to me—even simple, nice things, or even smiling at me. Instead he was always correcting me and telling me how and where I should improve. Things he said were good for me to hear— challenging and character shaping, but I hadn’t heard any sweet comments to make me feel like a loved daughter, except when he would tell me he was lucky for having a caring daughter.

I had also become extremely frustrated recently with my weight. It seemed that everyone I knew had commented about the subject. Relatives, coworkers, even my hair dresser had said to me wide-eyed, “Wow, you’ve gained some weight,” while shaking their heads, which translated to me, “You don’t look as good as you used to. You actually look pretty bad now.” My dad especially was obviously unhappy with my weight problem. As a result, I had started to feel rejected and lonely.

I knew I was also avoiding intimacy with God. I was afraid of becoming

spiritually and emotionally vulnerable to God. I was afraid God would rebuke me and criticize me. The Word of God did challenge my faith and reveal areas in my life where I lacked, but I wasn’t looking in the Word of God to find words of love, sweetness, and tenderness from God. I was looking for other ways to find affirmation instead of looking into the Word of God. I hadn’t found fatherly love in my dad, and I hadn’t found romantic love in my boyfriends. I had forgotten that God had both of these types of love in store for me and wanted to “woo me” and

caress my heart with sweet words.

When the music was over and before Pastor Dan began his message, a visiting pastor named Steve Long shared his testimony. He had dropped by our service that night because he felt God leading him there for a reason. He shared that even though he had been a pastor for 33 years, he had never fully experienced the love of his Heavenly Father because he had never known what it was like to be loved, to be called something special, by his earthly father. But last summer he had let go of the bitterness he had toward his father.

Then, amazingly, Pastor Dan got up and began his message along the same theme. He shared that his dad was a famous doctor and evangelist who had

saved many lives and brought many people to Christ in Taiwan. But his dad

never gave him the affection, respect, tenderness, and love he needed and

wanted. Although this is typical of many Asian fathers who do not outwardly show their love—verbally and physically— he had been deeply hurt inside. This hurt affected his ability to see God clearly and experience God’s redeeming love. Pastor Dan explained that God wants to love us in a way our earthly fathers could never love, and that the sin from the hurt, anger, and pain in our relationships with our earthly fathers keeps us from experiencing God’s love.

He described it as a dark wall that blocks us from seeing the light.

I knew that God wanted me to hear something about intimacy and to understand how my relationship with my dad was affecting my relationship with Him. A lot of different emotions began surging in me. I knew in my head that my dad loved me, but I didn’t feel it from him. He never said, “Emily, I love you,” without me saying it first. He didn’t show me the affection I needed. I thought to myself, I have never experienced true, unconditional love from Dad. There is always a stipulation or requirement from him—never true freedom in my relationship with him.

Pastor Dan and Pastor Steve invited the congregation to come up to the front stage for prayer. I walked to the front, overcome with emotion. I was overwhelmed at the idea that my relationship with God was hindered because of the hurt caused by my dad, and I cried because I truly wanted to experience God’s love.

Praise God for His wonders. Praise God for His perfect timing. Praise God for how specifically He touched me. Praise God for truth that sets me free. Praise God that I was able to lay it all down and not hold anything back. Praise God for breaking me down so that He can build me up. Praise God for His perfect and unconditional love for me. Praise God that I am beautiful to Him. Then Pastor Steve prayed for God to heal me. He prayed that I would be healed from the hurts from all men in my life, including my dad and my boyfriends, and that my heart and mind would be cleansed, and the Holy Spirit would change me into a new person. Then he asked me to look into his eyes. He said he was going to ask for my forgiveness on behalf of my dad for not loving me the way God intended a father to, and he said he wanted me to find solace and peace in the Heavenly Father’s love.

As I sat there letting my tears out, I silently prayed for healing in my heart, and for God to set me free. I prayed that I would be able to love God more. At the end of the service, I felt peace in my heart—like the calmness after a storm. I had the exhilarating feeling of letting go of years of baggage for the first time. I hadn’t realized until then how heavy that baggage was. God changed something in me that night. I will never forget this special night of opening the doors to healing and forgiveness toward my earthly father and greater intimacy with my Dad in Heaven.

Praise God for His wonders. Praise God for His perfect timing. Praise God for how specifically He touched me. Praise God for truth that sets me free. Praise God that I was able to lay it all down and not hold anything back. Praise God for breaking me down so that He can build me up. Praise God for His perfect and unconditional love for me. Praise God that I am beautiful to Him.

(Emily Wang currently lives and works in Taipei, Taiwan. But she considers herself a native sunny-Californian, having grown up in the Bay Area with the typical beach volleyball-outdoorsy-active lifestyle. She loves to travel the world, meet new people and share funny stories that help others laugh their way through life.)